Handling Insecurity

What is insecurity?

Insecurity is:

• Feeling of not being ``good enough'' to meet the challenge of a situation you face in life.

• Sense of helplessness in the face of problems, conflict, or concerns.

• Belief that one is inadequate or incompetent to handle life's challenges.

• Fear of being discovered as inadequate, ill fitted, or unsuited to meet responsibilities at home, school, or on the job.

• Sense of not fitting in, being ``out of synch'' with those in your peer group.

• Perception that life is unpredictable with most of the expectations you have to meet not clearly understood.

• Sense of always climbing up a mountain, never being able to reach the top.

• Sense of lacking support or reinforcement where you live, work, or play.

• Results from a sense of being unaccepted, disapproved, or rejected.

• Inner turmoil coming from a lack of direction or bewilderment as to where you are going, what your goals are, and what responses are appropriate for events in life.

Why are people insecure?

Insecure people may have:

• Been raised in a chaotic, unpredictable, or volatile environment in which they were kept off balance, on guard, or on edge.

• Experienced a major tragedy or loss in their lives and are having a difficult time in accepting this loss and adjusting to the ``change.''

• Experienced a major ``failure'' in life (e.g., divorce, losing a job, bankruptcy, failure in school, losing a friend, lack of acceptance into social or civic groups, etc.) that led them to question their personal competency.

• A poorly developed self-concept with low self-esteem, lacking belief in their personal goodness, skills, or abilities.

• Never felt accepted by the ``others'' in their life, so much so that they became chronically shy, retiring, and withdrawn in their interactions.

• Had an unrealistic list of rules and expectations prescribed by significant others in their life, rules they are striving to meet even in their current life.

• A poor body image, making them believe that others see them in a negative light. This makes them self-conscious, tense, and anxious in dealing with others.

• Never received enough positive reinforcement or feedback from others about their talents and abilities, leaving them unclear as to their skills.

• Been given very little direction, guidance, or discipline in their earlier lives leaving them unable to cope with the current pressures of life.

• Always felt overshadowed or overlooked due to the people in their lives who seemed to be more successful, smarter, prettier, more handsome, more athletic, higher achievers, getting much attention. This can foster doubt in an insecure person's ability to gain recognition for their successes, and can make them doubt their ability to achieve success.

What are some negative effects of insecurity?

People who are insecure can:

• Have difficulties in establishing healthy, long-lasting relationships.

• Be perceived incorrectly by others as being snobbish or uppity; therefore, they are avoided due to the others' misperceptions.

• Become victims of fears that impair their freedom of action or choice.

• Be candidates for paranoia feeling "others'' are out to get them.

• Scare others away from them by their defensive attitude.

• Be over-controlled emotionally, having problems letting others in on their emotions. This can lead others to guess what is going on until the passivity of the insecure person leads to an over-reaction by the others, resulting in conflict or rejection.

• Have problems on the job or in school when they have the knowledge, skills and abilities to do a task efficiently but are told to do it in a different, less effective manner. They get so uptight about the job and are fearful of standing up for what they believe that they get angry, hostile, and resentful until they either quit or succeed in submerging their emotions.

• Get passed over for promotions, advances, or honors because they are so quiet about what it is they do. This leads the insecure persons to feel more unaccepted, unappreciated, and under-valued.

• Have problems meeting people and often can become debilitated socially by chronic shyness.

• Become so inward that they seek to escape into their fantasy life rather than deal with the reality of their lives.

How can insecurity be overcome?

In order to overcome insecurity, people need to:

• Be willing to be put in vulnerable positions in life where they might get hurt.

• Take risks to change their current behavior.

• Trust others enough to expose themselves to them, risking vulnerability and the possibility of being hurt.

• Have a healthy and humorous belief in themselves in order to overlook their exaggerated need for acceptance and approval.

• Take a rational approach to each problem they face so that they are no longer inhibited by debilitating fears or beliefs.

• Practice assertive behavior in their lives, earning respect and the acknowledgment of their rights.

• Arouse the courage to take small steps in learning to experience success and overcoming their lack of belief in self. Once the success is experienced, they can build on it to gain the courage to act out of a strong conviction in their self-goodness and worth.

• Break the barrier or outer shell of the self-doubt they have hidden behind and reach out to others. Breaking out of their ``shells'' requires letting go of past hurts (real or imagined) and moving on with life.

• Open themselves to the possibility of success and accomplishment. Visualize or make a prophecy of winning at life so their energies are focused in a growth direction.

• Reward themselves for who they are and capitalize on their strengths, attributes, skills, and competencies.